As soon as I got up from bed I heard shouting from my window. I poked my head out of my window and it was my friend: Bob Jimson.
“Remember to get me that Lego Death Star that you promised me!” he said. I did not know what he was talking about at first but then I realised: today was the day that the when the Lego Death Star came out! After a while I was in town searching for the shop that sold them. Before very long, I got caught in a massive parade celebrating the fifteenth year of SpongeBob. There were tonnes and tonnes of people there and I could not get past them all. Eventually I got past them all and asked the Manager if there were any left.
“Yes, but I’m afraid it’s the last one,” he said. So I bought the last one and went out. I walked home as slowly as possible hoping that Bob wouldn’t see me.
Hi Charlie,
What a great friend the narrator is, buying his friend such an expensive gift! I like the way you’ve fitted the prompt in at the end. That can be very difficult to plan. You story has a beginning (the narrator’s friend reminds him of what needs to be done), a middle that throws some sort of conflict into the story (hordes of people prevent the narrator from finding the shop), and an end (the narrator succeeds at his task). Well done!
When you go back to revise, you might want to think how you can make it even more difficult for the narrator, or perhaps the narrator actually is too late! The manager sold the last one to someone else right before he got to the shop. Stories can be made more interesting if the conflict is more difficult for the narrator to overcome. And if he fails, the reader has a chance to empathize with the plight of the unlucky character.
Thank you for participating in the 100WC! Keep writing!
Jilanne Hoffmann (Team 100)